School Jokes

1. Teacher: "Where is your homework?"

Student: "I lost it fighting this boy who said you weren't the best teacher in school. "

Teacher: ... 

2. On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. 

"The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. 

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. 

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. 

Being caught a third time will cost you $180.  Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked: "How much for a season pass?"

3. "Isn’t the principal an idiot!" said a boy to a girl. 

"Well, do you know who I am?"asked the girl. 

"No" replied the boy. 

"I’m the principal’s daughter," said the girl. 

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. 

"No" she replied. 

"Thank God!" said the boy, and just walked away. 

4. Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

5. Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days.  And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

6. After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. 

7. Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. 

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. "

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was. "

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 

8. Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers.  What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir. 

Headmaster: Exactly. 

9. Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

10. Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "Of course not. "

Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework. "

11. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

12. Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 

Teacher: That's nice.  Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No.  I was standing on it. 

13. Teacher: "Do you have trouble making decisions?"

Student: "Well... yes and no. "

14. The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. 

The student: I walk...  You walk... 

The teacher interrupts him: Faster, please. 

The student: He runs.  She runs ... 

15. Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". 

Student: I is the... 

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I".  Always put 'am' after an "I". 

Student: OK.  I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

16. Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch.  What time is it?"Johnny: "2 o'watch. "

17. Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses.  Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense. 

18. The teacher asks a student: " Are 'pants' singular or plural?"

Student: "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom. " 

19. My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day.  She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone.  She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?" 

20. The day of the oral exam:

Teacher: Are you nervous? 

Student: No, I am not.  I am single. 

Teacher: Is this your pencil? 

Student: Yes, I am a pencil. 

Teacher: What are you wearing? 

Student: I am fat. 

21. On the phone:

"Little Joey can't come to school today. "

Principal: "Why?"

He is sick. "

"Who is this?"

"It's my dad. "

22. "I was born in California. "

"Which part?"

"All of me. "

23. Teacher to pupil:

"Why do you always get so dirty?"

"Well, it's just a guess, but I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. "

24. Teacher to the pupil:

"You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?"

"How did you know?

"Tim's paper says 'I don't know' and you put 'Me neither'!"

25. A teacher asks the student:

Did your father help your with your homework? 

Absolutely not, he did it all by himself. 

26. "The teacher asks:

"Why are you late, Joseph?"

"Because of a sign down the road. "

"What does a sign have to do with you being late?"

"The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’"

27. "Little Johnny, explain to me what is the meaning of 'syntax'. "

"It's the tax we pay when we go the the church?"

374 Teacher says:

"Maria please point to America on the map.  Well done.  Now class, who found America?"

Students: "Maria did. "

28. Teacher asks student:

"What is the chemical formula for water?"

Student: "HIJKLMNO. "

Teacher: "What are you talking about?" 

Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

29. Graduation speech:

I would like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Office and most importantly, a special thank to copy-paste. 

30. "No! I don't wanna go to school today!"

"I know it's hard, honey...  but you have to. "

"Why?"

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"Because you are the only teacher available. "

31. Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a blank paper.  Where is grass?"

Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir. "

Teacher: "Well, then where is the cow?"

Student: "The cow was full and went away. "

32. Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly. "

Student: "A dead bird, sir. "

33. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

Little Johnny stands up

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

"No...  i just feel bad that you're standing alone... "

34. Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home. 

One boy throws his bag out the window. 

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now. 

35. Teacher: What makes you see?

Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears. 

Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?

Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!!

36. Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home. 

Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

37. Mother: What did you learn in school today?

Son: How to write. 

Mother: That's great! What did you write?

Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

38. Teacher: Why is your paper blank?

Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer. 

39. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.   The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.   The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.   The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.   The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. " The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

40. Teacher asks children: what do you wish to do in future?

Jimmy: I want to be a pilot. 

Willy: I want to be a doctor. 

Mary: I want to be a good mother. 

Little Johnny: I want to help Mary. 

41. Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.  “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” Johnny says, “Yeah!”

42. Teacher: Ralf, you failed the English exam. 

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

43. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, "I am drawing God. " The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like. " Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute. "

44. Teacher: How old is your father?

Student: As old as me. 

Teacher: How it is possible?

Student: He became a father only when I was born. 

45. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. " A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

46. Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Student: When my mother sees my report card!

47. These four guys were enrolled in an Organic Chemistry class at Duke University.  They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an "A" for the semester.  These guys were so confident that they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends the weekend before finals.  After all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning.  Since they were late for the final, they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they could take a make-up exam.  Later on in the day, they found their professor and explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.  As a result, they missed the final.  The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.  The guys were elated and relieved.  They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.  "Cool" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy. " Each finished the problem and then turned the page.  On the second page was: (For 95 points): Which tire?

48. Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal. " The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy. 

"Good job.  Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky. 

"Good.  Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. 

The class fell silent.  After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad. "

"I know!" called out Little Johnny.  "A horny bastard!"

49. Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.   

"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.   

"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.   

"But Mr.  Hill the technical teacher and Mr.  Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were. "  

"Oh well," said Miss Jones.  "I'm the same age as both of them. "  

The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:  

Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. 

50. "Welcome to school, Little Johnny," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. 

"How old are you?"

"I'm not old," said Little Johnny. 

"I'm nearly new. "

51. "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.   

"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

52. A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again.  "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word.  "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. "

53. Law professor:

You're currently failing your ethics class. 

me: (slide a $20 across the desk)

How about now?

54. A kid farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out... 

He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. 

The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. 

He asks, "What are you doing outside sitting here laughing?"

The kid replies, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. "

"Well then why are you laughing?"

"Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class room smelling and enjoying my fart while they put me outside in this nice, clean air.